some things to lighten the mood, a joke or two

[bf3675f5790]Answering machine message 226[/bf3675f5790]
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.


please post a joke

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In an office WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

I got one

I was sitting next to this lady on a plane and she asked what I did for a living. I told her that I'm just going to school and workinb part-time. I ask her what she does and she told me that she studies the human penis. I ask her what she has learned. She said that she found that Mexicans have short, thick dicks and that Indians have long, skinny dicks. At the end of the trip she asked me what my name was and I replied Bearclaw Rodriguez.

I like that
It made me think of a REAL story

When I was a kid my grandma was in the hospital all the time. Now even though I am not that old (30+) they still crammed a bunch of people in a room (ward)
In the summer I hung out with her all the time,she was super great!!
Any way there was this really crazy women next to her on an IV
She was dehydrated, and her husband came in every day with this brown paper bag with bottles of "water"
She was bitchin and complaining one day to my grandma about being in the hospital
just so you know my grandma was on an IV too, she called it her juice, and said when she was off the juice thay would let her go home
Well I listened and listened, and listened some more to this women whine
Finally, I looked at grandma, and she looked at me and I said to the women
Well,when you get off the juice they will let you go home!!

She sat up in her bed,threw a paper bag with a bottle in it and screamed
WHO SAID THEY COULD TELL YOU I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC!!!
I had no idea what she ment till I was 30

That's hysterical...I knew it was leading in that direction...lamo And I have to tell my husband the Bearclaw Rodrigues joke....He works with a lot of people that love that type of humor.

I'm a bit of a blond joke freak...can't imagine why lol


What do you call the blond skeleton behind the couch?


Last years hide and go seek winner!


Margot...I have a ton of them!

What did one wall say to the other?

..let's meet in the corner. oops

[quote5e74f9c368="ldybug1752"]What did one wall say to the other?

..let's meet in the corner. oops[/quote5e74f9c368]

LOL

[quote27603202ac="O4F-Manofice"][quote27603202ac="ldybug1752"]What did one wall say to the other?

..let's meet in the corner. oops[/quote27603202ac]

LOL[/quote27603202ac]

I agree!


How did the blond crash the helicopter?


She got cold and turned off the ceiling fan lol

Margot

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve rope here". The rope goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and re-enters the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" The rope says "No, I'm afraid not."


Afraid not? A fraid knot...heh....
I guess some jokes should really just be heard, and not read.. D

[quote0df790a22e="ldybug1752"]A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve rope here". The rope goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and re-enters the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" The rope says "No, I'm afraid not."


Afraid not? A fraid knot...heh....
I guess some jokes should really just be heard, and not read.. D[/quote0df790a22e]

That was good! lol lol

LOL

2 muffins are in an oven.

muffin1 It's too hot in here, I feel like I'm gonna melt

muffin2 AAAAHHH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!

roll shrug

gehehe

2 guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

Hey, it's clean. Seems like all the others I know aren't.

Very cute...and very clean!

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on a repair shop door WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Seen during a conference FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Outside a photographer's studio OUT TO LUNCH IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Spotted in a safari park ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate
this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in
Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day her teacher,
a Nun, called on her
while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret
didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
Sitting behind her, took his
pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun
said, "Very good" and
continued teaching her class. A little later the
Nun asked Mary
Margaret, "Who is our Lord And Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber . Once
again, Johnny came To her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted
Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very
good," and Mary Margaret
fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve
Say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came
to the rescue. This time
Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
That damn thing in me one
more
time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted