Don't Shave your Ass Hair! ($100 bucks if you don't laugh!)

TigerShark

29-10-2006 15:07:56

Ever had thoughts of relieving yourself of that dreaded long ass hair? Read this.....

[b3f5146b15d][quote3f5146b15d]WARNING!!!

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Date 2004-07-01, 215PM PDT

Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! [/quote3f5146b15d][/b3f5146b15d][/size3f5146b15d]

LMAO!!! haha!

---> here's the full link where I got it from, it also makes for an easier read. )

http//www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html

manOFice

29-10-2006 15:19:45

OK...I admit...I only laughed when he said he put his ass in the fan and it blew the smell into his face....lol

quote "I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. "

Veek

29-10-2006 15:21:07

I doubt I'm the only one who will add you to the "Do not read any threads started by this user" list.

ilanbg

29-10-2006 15:21:27

[quotec8ee5b9005="Veek"]I doubt I'm the only one who will add you to the "Do not read any threads started by this user" list.[/quotec8ee5b9005]

QFT

manOFice

29-10-2006 15:21:59

[quote9b763b6792="Veek"]I doubt I'm the only one who will add you to the "Do not read any threads started by this user" list.[/quote9b763b6792]

hahaha

JKirk

29-10-2006 15:23:17

ROFL! I heard about this from a friend but that's so funny. The funniest part was about how he went to his dorm room and spread his ass in front of that fan. lol lol lol

geej86

29-10-2006 15:24:43

i'll admit their are some hilarious craigslist postings to be found, but you owe me $100 good sir

mnx12

29-10-2006 15:25:23

I saw this like a year ago...

JUNIOR6886

29-10-2006 15:40:16

i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug

cwncool

29-10-2006 15:45:40

[quote555ee2f35a="JUNIOR6886"]i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug[/quote555ee2f35a]
ya rly. plz don't steal sigs TigerShark. Where's the neg karma button when you truly need it. cry

DIABLO

29-10-2006 16:11:49

PM me for my paypal, you owe me $100.

Labtec-Jay

29-10-2006 16:39:29

that was terrible. Im not even gonna take your 100 dollars becuase I am so embarassed for you.

Commander

29-10-2006 16:50:36

LMFAO. He goes into his room and spreads his cheeks in front of the fan LMFAO.... OMFG!

J4320

29-10-2006 17:23:03

[quote5e5bb58a9d="JUNIOR6886"]i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug[/quote5e5bb58a9d]

Speaking of stealing user's customizations... look at commander above me. roll

TigerShark

29-10-2006 17:28:49

[quote97d7d580bb="Commander"]LMFAO. He goes into his room and spreads his cheeks in front of the fan LMFAO.... OMFG![/quote97d7d580bb]

Hilarious isn't it!!! )

I crap on all you other guys that didn't find this funny. It's hilarious P

TigerShark

29-10-2006 17:29:54

[quote8db406c199="JUNIOR6886"]i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug[/quote8db406c199]

so where did [u8db406c199][b8db406c199]you[/b8db406c199][/u8db406c199] steal it from?

J4320

29-10-2006 17:31:21

This guy is disgusting. He seems to have some kind of anal leakage problem. Nasty stuff...

goof

29-10-2006 18:02:06

I cried when i read this like a year ago... funny shit

Jeorgius

29-10-2006 18:11:16

just lovely

J4320

29-10-2006 18:13:11

This reminds me of that other thread...

The one with the craigslist post of the guy fingering his anus to get all the grease out after he had pringles. These craigslist warnings can be quite disgusting.

michae229

29-10-2006 18:15:00

lol

ajasax

29-10-2006 20:33:50

[quotebd6a976cfd="Veek"]I doubt I'm the only one who will add you to the "Do not read any threads started by this user" list.[/quotebd6a976cfd]
Ditto.

I got bored on the first word.

J4320

29-10-2006 20:48:56

[quote951e7371e6="ajasax"][quote951e7371e6="Veek"]I doubt I'm the only one who will add you to the "Do not read any threads started by this user" list.[/quote951e7371e6]
Ditto.

I got bored on the first word.[/quote951e7371e6]

Looks like I'll have to remember not to start out my threads with "Don't" from now on.

lol

samz465

29-10-2006 21:08:13

I thought it was more dumb than funny.

BD2006BD

29-10-2006 21:11:02

I thought it was sick.

Didn't he steal dmorris' avatar, and now someones sig?

Drezzzz

29-10-2006 21:25:37

I have the urge to shave my ass hair. Thanks for saving me TigerShark! I probably should owe you $100!

ajasax

29-10-2006 21:59:55

[quote346826bb34="J4320"][quote346826bb34="ajasax"]I got bored on the first word.[/quote346826bb34]

Looks like I'll have to remember not to start out my threads with "Don't" from now on.

lol[/quote346826bb34]
lol. I knew it wasn't going to be funny before I even read it actually. When I saw how long the story was I gave up quickly wink I like my jokes short-and-sweet.

Commander

30-10-2006 03:41:08

[quote3295fefac0="J4320"][quote3295fefac0="JUNIOR6886"]i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug[/quote3295fefac0]

Speaking of stealing user's customizations... look at commander above me. roll[/quote3295fefac0]

Sorry dude, you want me to remove it? Or you could make me one ) I don't know where to get these cool avatars from that are under 29kb anyway.

h3x

30-10-2006 04:26:58

Please for the love of God... Don't steal my avatar... It's all I have left.

Commander

30-10-2006 04:29:01

Don't worry your safe. )

ilanbg

30-10-2006 05:38:38

[quotea4420c2540="Commander"][quotea4420c2540="J4320"][quotea4420c2540="JUNIOR6886"]i almost chuckled,
more because i noticed you stole my sig than because of the lame story though shrug[/quotea4420c2540]

Speaking of stealing user's customizations... look at commander above me. roll[/quotea4420c2540]

Sorry dude, you want me to remove it? Or you could make me one ) I don't know where to get these cool avatars from that are under 29kb anyway.[/quotea4420c2540]

Too late, your avatar and sig have just been blocked.

kdollar

30-10-2006 10:08:26

i thought it was fricken hilarious, especially when he talked about the itching part.

tjwor

30-10-2006 10:47:04

http//forum.freeipodguide.com/smilies_mod/upload/30120edfc695fda35c07678a921cec64.gif[" alt=""/imgce7e6c943f]

WhyPayItsFree

30-10-2006 12:10:49

PM Me for my paypal ID.. You owe me $100 ATM..

OldManWrigley

30-10-2006 12:14:16

[quotebac703c3c6="Commander"]Don't worry your safe. )[/quotebac703c3c6]

Can anyone implement a grammar check into FiPG?

I might have smiled once or twice, I mean it is an intresting story.

dmorris68

30-10-2006 15:04:27

I didn't find it funny at all, until I got to the fart description. That forced a chuckle.

But the rest? No.

samz465

30-10-2006 15:47:16

Yah ...i just herd some dude at A4f stole my avatar =/

Killer722

30-10-2006 16:39:30

[quotec1cfaf08d4="samz465"]Yah ...i just herd some dude at A4f stole my avatar =/[/quotec1cfaf08d4]
I think I saw a banned A4F member with your avatar.

As for the topic, it's a little funny...

irannaked

30-10-2006 16:54:53

BORRRING!!

where's my $100?

CollidgeGraduit

30-10-2006 17:02:39

I finally brought myself to read it... and didn't crack a smile (

OldManWrigley

30-10-2006 17:26:36

[quotec16e645299="CollidgeGraduit"]I finally brought myself to read it... and didn't [bc16e645299]crack[/bc16e645299] a smile ([/quotec16e645299]

Was that pun intended or no?

CollidgeGraduit

30-10-2006 17:48:02

[quote074bd3da69="OldManWrigley"][quote074bd3da69="CollidgeGraduit"]I finally brought myself to read it... and didn't [b074bd3da69]crack[/b074bd3da69] a smile ([/quote074bd3da69]

Was that pun intended or no?[/quote074bd3da69]

nope, but good catch D