My college Essay, could use some feedback. Let me know!

Well, I finished revising my essay. I gave it to a teacher and stuff like that. Now, I wanna know if it looks good or what. If you ware willing to read it and comment just pm me or post here. I could use some opinions/comments. Thanks!

i will read it.

id like to read it

pm sent with the essay for both of you! Let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

pm2me2

is it the one i already read? if so, fantastic, if it isn't, PM me it )

[quote6ec4b7ea94="OldManWrigley"]is it the one i already read? if so, fantastic, if it isn't, PM me it )[/quote6ec4b7ea94]

The one you read!

Okay. PM me it. ^_^

send me it if you please

PM me it )

pm me, i wouldnt mind reading nd commenting, not to mention itll help me out with mine

PM me it, thanks.

i wouldt mind looking it over, if you don't already have enough people to do it D

lol so many people needing college essays this year -x

i will read it.

I think Powerbook takes the win for being the most academically obsessed on this forum. Everywhere I look I see him talking about something to do with school or getting into college. lol

It's not necessarily a bad thing though. ;)

i actually wish i was that academically obsessed.... i dont think ive done my homework for tomorrow, but then thats what homeroom is for.. and all the classes before the actual class its due

Err...homeroom at age 26?

I'd like to read it.

If you need someone I can read it. PM it to me if needed. also, do you visit collegeconfidential forums? great place for college info

im not 26.... obviously... i just dont care to change it to 18... usually when i fill out forum crap or somethign i put in 1980, its just a habit that has stuck from long ago

[quote807d1b7018="Zanpaktou"]im not 26.... obviously... i just dont care to change it to 18... usually when i fill out forum crap or somethign i put in 1980, its just a habit that has stuck from long ago[/quote807d1b7018]

So you fraud sites by filling in false information?

somebody's been pretty anal recently

i wanna read it. i'll offer whatever help i can even though 8 people are ahead in line

[quote83f5689808="amir89630"]somebody's been pretty anal recently[/quote83f5689808]
Uh, yeah. It's a big deal when you're on a freebie forum that relies heavily on honesty.

pmed to most of you! ) Thanks guys.

this is actually a beautiful story.

but the essay didnt capture that. The story, as i said above, really is great. I genuinely mean that (which is why i put that in a diff post).

Well, you are 17, so i shouldnt say it sucked. But i think you shift focus too much. You are talking about the farm being something you will never forget and the plane ride is also in that category of something you will never forget. That either takes away from the farm as being special. Unless they are different types of never forget, in which case you didnt specify.


YOu have to come full circle with these things Powerbook. Why didnt you connect the hard working ethic from the farm to the hard work you had to do in school?? There is obviously an implied connect, but you still must include it in the paper.


I mean, youre 17, so i wont say it sucked. Give me 20 mins and i'll re-write it with corrections. See if you like my suggestions.

BRB

[quote9f8cef33e0="Dave82"]but the essay didnt capture that. The story, as i said above, really is great. I genuinely mean that (which is why i put that in a diff post).

Well, you are 17, so i shouldnt say it sucked. But i think you shift focus too much. You are talking about the farm being something you will never forget and the plane ride is also in that category of something you will never forget. That either takes away from the farm as being special. Unless they are different types of never forget, in which case you didnt specify.


YOu have to come full circle with these things Powerbook. Why didnt you connect the hard working ethic from the farm to the hard work you had to do in school?? There is obviously an implied connect, but you still must include it in the paper.


I mean, youre 17, so i wont say it sucked. Give me 20 mins and i'll re-write it with corrections. See if you like my suggestions.

BRB[/quote9f8cef33e0]

Heh ok. I gave it to my English teacher and he corrected it. He said it was good heh. Damn teachers.

[quote86563c48e1="Powerbook"][quote86563c48e1="Dave82"]but the essay didnt capture that. The story, as i said above, really is great. I genuinely mean that (which is why i put that in a diff post).

Well, you are 17, so i shouldnt say it sucked. But i think you shift focus too much. You are talking about the farm being something you will never forget and the plane ride is also in that category of something you will never forget. That either takes away from the farm as being special. Unless they are different types of never forget, in which case you didnt specify.


YOu have to come full circle with these things Powerbook. Why didnt you connect the hard working ethic from the farm to the hard work you had to do in school?? There is obviously an implied connect, but you still must include it in the paper.


I mean, youre 17, so i wont say it sucked. Give me 20 mins and i'll re-write it with corrections. See if you like my suggestions.

BRB[/quote86563c48e1]

Heh ok. I gave it to my English teacher and he corrected it. He said it was good heh. Damn teachers.[/quote86563c48e1]

What the hell!! I am re-doing much better than that dolt will correct it. I am coming full circle with the "hard work" theme. Okay, i am half way done. Let me finish and you will see. I'll pm you what i changed so far, and i know i took some things out, but there are reasons and i will tell you specifically why each sentence that i changed/omitted needed to be removed.

WHY DO YOU GUYS WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!! Had you posted this yesterday...

[quote3b05ba73ce="Dave82"][quote3b05ba73ce="Powerbook"][quote3b05ba73ce="Dave82"]but the essay didnt capture that. The story, as i said above, really is great. I genuinely mean that (which is why i put that in a diff post).

Well, you are 17, so i shouldnt say it sucked. But i think you shift focus too much. You are talking about the farm being something you will never forget and the plane ride is also in that category of something you will never forget. That either takes away from the farm as being special. Unless they are different types of never forget, in which case you didnt specify.


YOu have to come full circle with these things Powerbook. Why didnt you connect the hard working ethic from the farm to the hard work you had to do in school?? There is obviously an implied connect, but you still must include it in the paper.


I mean, youre 17, so i wont say it sucked. Give me 20 mins and i'll re-write it with corrections. See if you like my suggestions.

BRB[/quote3b05ba73ce]

Heh ok. I gave it to my English teacher and he corrected it. He said it was good heh. Damn teachers.[/quote3b05ba73ce]

What the hell!! I am re-doing much better than that dolt will correct it. I am coming full circle with the "hard work" theme. Okay, i am half way done. Let me finish and you will see. I'll pm you what i changed so far, and i know i took some things out, but there are reasons and i will tell you specifically why each sentence that i changed/omitted needed to be removed.

WHY DO YOU GUYS WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!! Had you posted this yesterday...[/quote3b05ba73ce]


Thanks dude. I figured it was allright because he said it was good. hmm

i am almost done.

You stressed the concept of hard work and willingness to learn. I had to add willingness to learn into the farm paragraph so you could tie it in at the end.

And because you included an entire paragraph about the plane ride, you have to once again tie in the farm at them end. I would do that rather than ending by talking about the quote again. SInce you cannot rewind to the quote AND the farm, as that would be rounding the circle too much, you have to pick one. My suggestion is the farm, because it was mentioned and then its importance emphasized with the plane paragraph. The Thomas Jefferson quote can still remain.

I am done re-writing it, lemme give it the once over and i'll PM it to you. (if only i had this much dedication to my OWN homework...)

[quote266c04a058="Dave82"]i am almost done.

You stressed the concept of hard work and willingness to learn. I had to add willingness to learn into the farm paragraph so you could tie it in at the end.

And because you included an entire paragraph about the plane ride, you have to once again tie in the farm at them end. I would do that rather than ending by talking about the quote again. SInce you cannot rewind to the quote AND the farm, as that would be rounding the circle too much, you have to pick one. My suggestion is the farm, because it was mentioned and then its importance emphasized with the plane paragraph. The Thomas Jefferson quote can still remain.

I am done re-writing it, lemme give it the once over and i'll PM it to you. (if only i had this much dedication to my OWN homework...)[/quote266c04a058]


heh appreciate it. Maybe my English teacher was lazy? That is why I want feedback from more than one person. Thanks!

[quote7e82d9a321="Powerbook"]
heh appreciate it. Maybe my English teacher was lazy? That is why I want feedback from more than one person. Thanks![/quote7e82d9a321]

This essay is being submitted to college and he gave it the "okay"? He is lazy. roll what is our system coming to?

But the only thing is now that i have significantly changed it, he is gonna know it is plagerized if you turned in what you sent me previously and then all of a sudden turn in what i wrote.

You might have to go back and make it sound more like you, but for pete's sake stop beginning so many sentences with "I" and when you use a comma, you dont have to say "I am" again after the comma.

That English teacher needs a good talking to.

[quotec8d32b8f2d="Dave82"][quotec8d32b8f2d="Powerbook"]
heh appreciate it. Maybe my English teacher was lazy? That is why I want feedback from more than one person. Thanks![/quotec8d32b8f2d]

This essay is being submitted to college and he gave it the "okay"? He is lazy. roll what is our system coming to?

But the only thing is now that i have significantly changed it, he is gonna know it is plagerized if you turned in what you sent me previously and then all of a sudden turn in what i wrote.

You might have to go back and make it sound more like you, but for pete's sake stop beginning so many sentences with "I" and when you use a comma, you dont have to say "I am" again after the comma.

That English teacher needs a good talking to.[/quotec8d32b8f2d]

heh thanks!

500th post!!!!!

okay, the PM that says "EDITED!!!!" is the one you should look at. I had to add Poland to the last sentence and you had uncles (plural) when i think you should just have "uncle" focusing on the one mentioned in the paragraph.

But in the future, if you wanna jump around, that is fine; they were all related concepts. Just make sure you tie all the concept together in the end otherwise it is just a paper of scattered ideas.

Oh, and i should have said this before about the meaning behind your essay You [b47ab4bb60e]have[/b47ab4bb60e] come a long way and worked very hard to get where you are standing in life. That is something you should be very proud of. Many people would have given up or fallen behind and used a crutch to justify why they fell behind. I think if you continue with that work ethic that was "cultivated years ago on the farm in Poland" you will do great in collge and life beyond wink

[quote9b1480878e="Dave82"]okay, the PM that says "EDITED!!!!" is the one you should look at. I had to add Poland to the last sentence and you had uncles (plural) when i think you should just have "uncle" focusing on the one mentioned in the paragraph.

But in the future, if you wanna jump around, that is fine; they were all related concepts. Just make sure you tie all the concept together in the end otherwise it is just a paper of scattered ideas.

Oh, and i should have said this before about the meaning behind your essay You [b9b1480878e]have[/b9b1480878e] come a long way and worked very hard to get where you are standing in life. That is something you should be very proud of. Many people would have given up or fallen behind and used a crutch to justify why they fell behind. I think if you continue with that work ethic that was "cultivated years ago on the farm in Poland" you will do great in collge and life beyond wink[/quote9b1480878e]

thanks )