h3x
16-09-2006 02:17:54
[quote54fd14165f="Killer722"]My laziness wants you to summarize....it says please.[/quote54fd14165f]
![]("54fd14165f)
http//www.pamcf.com/images/vonhouten.jpg[" alt=""/img54fd14165f]
[quote54fd14165f]My name is Edward Maxwell Von Houten, and I take pride in being a lifelong advocate for privacy, safety, and the public welfare. The fact that I have made millions of dollars through my advocacy in no way denigrates the myriad contributions I have made to society, including
• Increased national standards for elasticity in gentlemen's dress socks by almost 17%.
In 1998 a crossed leg, revealing a slouchy, wrinkled sock, falsely identified me as an untrustworthy loafer to other members of an important real estate consortium, costing me my seat on the board. After suing the sock company for damages, new industry standards were put in place, ensuring that the same fate won't happen to you. Check your ankles--snug and tight, aren't they? You're welcome!
• Lick-less postage stamps.
One day I urgently needed to mail a stack of eviction notices, but my Executive Stamp Licker had the day off, so I foolishly licked the stamps myself. I was immediately stricken with an acute case of malodorous breath--"like a wet-dog-hair-and-onion sandwich," according to witness testimony--which led to me being kicked out of my country club. Thanks to my victory against the Post Office, all new stamps are now self-adhesive. (My separate suit against the Envelope Industry is still tied up in court, so until a verdict is reached, I urge you to use sealing wax.)
• 41% more "outies."
One day I calculated that over the course of my lifetime so far, I'd spent nearly 18 weeks cleaning lint out of my navel. When I thought of all the lost productivity and wages involved, I knew what had to be done. With another case against the Cotton Industry already pending ("wrinkle-free," my hindquarters!), and realizing that if I'd been born with an "outie" rather than an "innie," I would have retained 89-96% less lint, I decided to sue my mother's obstetrician for malpractice. He'd been retired for decades and living in an assisted care facility, but just in case he's ever considering hanging up a shingle again, he'll definitely think twice before he cuts that cord! (An added benefit of a more "outie-ful" world less exposed midriffs!)
These are but a few of the contributions I have made towards making ours a more civilized society, but securing justice in the courtrooms of America isn't all I do. I also play golf![/quote54fd14165f]
[quote54fd14165f]My name is Edward Maxwell Von Houten, and I take pride in being a lifelong advocate for privacy, safety, and the public welfare. The fact that I have made millions of dollars through my advocacy in no way denigrates the myriad contributions I have made to society, including
• Increased national standards for elasticity in gentlemen's dress socks by almost 17%.
In 1998 a crossed leg, revealing a slouchy, wrinkled sock, falsely identified me as an untrustworthy loafer to other members of an important real estate consortium, costing me my seat on the board. After suing the sock company for damages, new industry standards were put in place, ensuring that the same fate won't happen to you. Check your ankles--snug and tight, aren't they? You're welcome!
• Lick-less postage stamps.
One day I urgently needed to mail a stack of eviction notices, but my Executive Stamp Licker had the day off, so I foolishly licked the stamps myself. I was immediately stricken with an acute case of malodorous breath--"like a wet-dog-hair-and-onion sandwich," according to witness testimony--which led to me being kicked out of my country club. Thanks to my victory against the Post Office, all new stamps are now self-adhesive. (My separate suit against the Envelope Industry is still tied up in court, so until a verdict is reached, I urge you to use sealing wax.)
• 41% more "outies."
One day I calculated that over the course of my lifetime so far, I'd spent nearly 18 weeks cleaning lint out of my navel. When I thought of all the lost productivity and wages involved, I knew what had to be done. With another case against the Cotton Industry already pending ("wrinkle-free," my hindquarters!), and realizing that if I'd been born with an "outie" rather than an "innie," I would have retained 89-96% less lint, I decided to sue my mother's obstetrician for malpractice. He'd been retired for decades and living in an assisted care facility, but just in case he's ever considering hanging up a shingle again, he'll definitely think twice before he cuts that cord! (An added benefit of a more "outie-ful" world less exposed midriffs!)
These are but a few of the contributions I have made towards making ours a more civilized society, but securing justice in the courtrooms of America isn't all I do. I also play golf![/quote54fd14165f]