No Way, I'd never thought I'd see the day. DIY jokes

Live forum: http://forum.freeipodguide.com/viewtopic.php?t=39950

johnjimjones

24-05-2006 22:30:01

Ok this may be awsome to me, but I've been browsing my spam mail and looking at DIY listings and at the bottom of one of the links and everything was this

I'll start out with my personal favorite

>>> A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years,
dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous
queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is
enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls
him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside
the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances
down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the
eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from
the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out
of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls
him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of
the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another
angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the
lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes
embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting
the special attention. St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."

And the rest that were in the email

)-------------[Smiles of TheDay]--------------------(


>>> The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from mzon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with email==DonColeone@mafia.mafiDonColeone@mafia.mafi=DonColeone@mafia.mafiDonColeone@mafia.mafi/emaila is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more liSpamli than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Stheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local
insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."


>>> The Wonderful English Language
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became
oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should
never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is
houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be
called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair
be called
beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of
booth be
called beeth?Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the
plural would never
be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.We speak of a brother and also
of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are
he, his and him
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

>>> The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars
around,
that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my
lap and got
lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?


>>> The Burial
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed,
"This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."
"Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Didn't I bury your wife 10 years ago?" the undertaker asked.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," replied the undertaker. "Congratulations."

>>> One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make
your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family
and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go
to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs,
and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you
think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and
finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could
have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

>>> The Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband
is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions
carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his
stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his
health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.


>>> Employment Slogans

li If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
li The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
li Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
li Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
li A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
li If at first you don't succeed -- try management.
li Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
li Never quit until you have another job
li Hang in there Retirement is only 30 years away!
li Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
li Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
li Work It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
li There are two kinds of people in life people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

>>> Good News
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She "Well, the air bag works..."


>>> An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving
and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman.
"Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked.
"Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling.
"Why do you ask?"
"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."
"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


- Panasonic makes it easy for those important business meetings
Your biggest client has arrived but where is the network cable to
hook-up your presentation? Relax. The PT-LB20NTE business projector
from Panasonic integrates seamlessly with your IEEE 802.11b/g wireless
network. And the latest daylight colour protection system presents your
images, video and animation without needing blacked-out meeting rooms.



Ooo===========--->>[ Daily Smile ]<<---===========ooO

>>> Signs Found in Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
8. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
9. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

>>> Here's some fun ones about kids sayings....

- A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was
an old leaf from a tree that2cr7flitestli36e1 had been pressed in between
the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered "I think it's Adam's suit!"

- A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers
off the neighbor's wife.

>>> Office Timetable
900 Starting time
915 Arrive at work
1000 Coffee break
1100 Check e-mail
1130 Prepare for lunch
1200 Lunch
200 Browse the Internet
300 Coffee break
330 Check e-mail again
400 Prepare to go home
445 Go home
500 Finishing Time

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up
on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've
got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.
" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"

>>> Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with
that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers
running in
all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to
see if they
slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in
a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

>>> The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For
being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II
luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So
the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies
are female.

>>> THE TEXAS COWBOY

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glass is so
cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq
we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink out of the same
glass twice either."
The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Enjoy.

h3x

24-05-2006 22:33:10

No chance in hell I'm reading all of that.. Though I thought the lawyer one was somewhat amusing ?

johnjimjones

24-05-2006 22:41:12

I read them all. I think most of them are good.

megotcash

25-05-2006 11:35:58

haha, finally getting free stuff is fun!

ilanbg

26-05-2006 15:44:57

I think it's just a way to get past the spamfilters.

tylerc

26-05-2006 15:55:26

I think YOU'RE just a way to get past the spam filters.

compuguru

26-05-2006 16:05:02

lol

double_d

26-05-2006 19:06:36

[quotef322598dcd="ilanbg"]I think it's just a way to get past the spamfilters.[/quotef322598dcd]

That's what YOU think!

dawn

29-05-2006 00:30:11

[quote531e845ab3] 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." [/quote531e845ab3] LOL