Joke thread. Tell me a joke, make me laugh, gain Karma

So tell some jokes. If they make me laugh i will give +1 Karma to each joke

what did paris hilton's left leg say to her right leg???
























nothing they never met )

do good pickup lines count?
if so here you go
"legs is the word of the day, lets go back to my apartment and spread the word"

[quotea15769a4fd="kdollar"]what did paris hilton's left leg say to her right leg???
























nothing they never met )[/quotea15769a4fd]


http//forum.freeipodguide.com/smilies_mod/upload/30120edfc695fda35c07678a921cec64.gif[" alt=""/imga15769a4fd]

What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?














Juan on Juan
http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/imgba5e7aa610]
[img="ba5e7aa610]http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/imgba5e7aa610]
[img="ba5e7aa610]http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/imgba5e7aa610]

[quote9c9084cfed="Bill"]What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?


my friend has a shirt that says juan on juan bball tourny in like mexico or something











Juan on Juan
http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/img9c9084cfed]
[img="9c9084cfed]http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/img9c9084cfed]
[img="9c9084cfed]http//x001.uploaderx.net/x/lolololol.gif[" alt=""/img9c9084cfed][/quote9c9084cfed]

+1 for kdollar, willie and the other dude even though i heard them before

hahahahah






















nothing they never met )

did you used to work at subway cuz you just gave me a footlong

im sure you have heard this one but
your mama is so old ashton kutcher asked her out

You've probably seen this, but....

http//www.jokefile.co.uk/darwin_awards/Cigars.gif[" alt=""/img93114e02c4]
Courtesy of [url=]http//www.jokefile.co.uk/darwin_awards/cigars.html[]http//www.jokefile.co.uk/darwin_awards/cigars.html[/url]

As an old guy parent (and grandparent) I feel guilty telling dirty jokes to you youngin's, but what the hell -- I'm in a good mood. )

A man's wife had been in a coma for some time. One day a nurse was sponge bathing her. When she washed the patient's "private" area, she noticed a remarkable change in the patient's vital signs. After reporting this to the doctor, they asked her husband if he and his wife had enjoyed oral sex, and he said yes. So they suggested that maybe, just maybe, if he could engage in oral sex with his wife, that it could help bring her out of her coma. The husband agrees, and everybody leaves the room while he gets down to business.

After a few minutes, the life support alarms start going off and the doctors and nurses rush into the room. "What happened!" they cry.

"I think she choked," says the husband.

oops

And the cigar story is bogus, it's an urban legend. But probably not that far from what some lawyers would try to do...

[quotea75b32fdc0="dmorris68"]As an old guy parent (and grandparent) I feel guilty telling dirty jokes to you youngin's, but what the hell -- I'm in a good mood. )

A man's wife had been in a coma for some time. One day a nurse was sponge bathing her. When she washed the patient's "private" area, she noticed a remarkable change in the patient's vital signs. After reporting this to the doctor, they asked her husband if he and his wife had enjoyed oral sex, and he said yes. So they suggested that maybe, just maybe, if he could engage in oral sex with his wife, that it could help bring her out of her coma. The husband agrees, and everybody leaves the room while he gets down to business.

After a few minutes, the life support alarms start going off and the doctors and nurses rush into the room. "What happened!" they cry.

"I think she choked," says the husband.

oops[/quotea75b32fdc0]

lol + kma. Very funny....

[quotec13de08665="dmorris68"]And the cigar story is bogus, it's an urban legend. But probably not that far from what some lawyers would try to do...[/quotec13de08665]

Tell me about it...

What kind of train transports bubblegum?



[spoilera066a86951]A CHOO CHOO TRAIN!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHA.[/spoilera066a86951]

Have you guys ever heard "Cigar Song" By Brad Paisley? That song tells the story of filing a complaint and being charged with arson... sounds very fake, but not a bad song shrug if u like country...

http/" alt=""/img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/iblamehistory/crazy.gif[/img2f0b8f1dfe]

okay okay, so technically its not the telling of a joke, but i enjoyed making it and liili think its amusing.

please tell me someone remembers this lady.... if not, this post is meaningless!

[quote855313ef0a="i blame history"]http/" alt=""/img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/iblamehistory/crazy.gif[/img855313ef0a]

okay okay, so technically its not the telling of a joke, but i enjoyed making it and liili think its amusing.

please tell me someone remembers this lady.... if not, this post is meaningless![/quote855313ef0a]

HAHAHAHAHA, that lady is fucking insane! From the wife swap/some stupid shit like that...

so i have a story for ya that is funny and true
20-something year old guy has his friends come into town to party for his birthday. they take him downtown and get him drunk and start to pick up women. he gets cozy with one and they go back to her place. they start doing some lines and start to make out. they get touchy feely and he reaches to go for gold and instead of placing his fingers somewhere he grabs hold of a member similar to his own. he freaks out and jumps out onto what he thinks is a fire escape and falls 2 stories to fracture his femur.
his story was filled with expletives when he told me.
cant tell u where this is from but it is true

[quotebc3fa3da38="jy3"]so i have a story for ya that is funny and true
20-something year old guy has his friends come into town to party for his birthday. they take him downtown and get him drunk and start to pick up women. he gets cozy with one and they go back to her place. they start doing some lines and start to make out. they get touchy feely and he reaches to go for gold and instead of placing his fingers somewhere he grabs hold of a member similar to his own. he freaks out and jumps out onto what he thinks is a fire escape and falls 2 stories to fracture his femur.
his story was filled with expletives when he told me.
cant tell u where this is from but it is true[/quotebc3fa3da38]

Shemales are never funny. Who the fuck am I kidding there funny as shit. But that story could have been much better (

4 men in a room were feeling grumpy,


grumpy got up and left.

D

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
















= A brunette with bad breath.

[quote00d8cfd6e7="Sweeney2066"][quote00d8cfd6e7="jy3"]so i have a story for ya that is funny and true
20-something year old guy has his friends come into town to party for his birthday. they take him downtown and get him drunk and start to pick up women. he gets cozy with one and they go back to her place. they start doing some lines and start to make out. they get touchy feely and he reaches to go for gold and instead of placing his fingers somewhere he grabs hold of a member similar to his own. he freaks out and jumps out onto what he thinks is a fire escape and falls 2 stories to fracture his femur.
his story was filled with expletives when he told me.
cant tell u where this is from but it is true[/quote00d8cfd6e7]

Shemales are never funny. Who the fuck am I kidding there funny as shit. But that story could have been much better

([/quote00d8cfd6e7] yeah i wasnt in teh mood to expound too much due to certain reasons BUT it is a true story. i thought it was funny as hell

My dad told me this joke

If pretty girls go to Hooters, then what restaurant do one-legged girls go to?


















I-Hop

How do you part a blondes hair in the middle?













SPREAD HER LEGS!

Not a joke, but my 6 yr old son got busted in school for singing/rapping(and yes, he is as white as they come....ie no rapping ability) this

My name is Albert Do-heenie, and a I got a ten foot weenie.
Showed it to the lady next door.
Thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake.
Now it's only 5 foot 4.

We are so proud of our boy!!!

I wont print the other one he sang...UGH!

Long one I know, but pretty funny, I have more if you like this one...


An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

=D
I'll give you karma tjwor, becuase that was some funny shit.

Another one if you liked the first one there...




A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

My band teacher told our class this one in high school (he was a pretty cool guy). It only really works when it's told out loud, but oh well


What's better than roses on a piano?












Tulips on an organ.

[quoteafc21e8d06="JennyWren"]My band teacher told our class this one in high school (he was a pretty cool guy). It only really works when it's told out loud, but oh well


What's better than roses on a piano?









Tulips on an organ.[/quoteafc21e8d06]

shrug shrug shrug shrug shrug shrug

[quotee12e50caf2="ffactoryxx"][quotee12e50caf2="JennyWren"]My band teacher told our class this one in high school (he was a pretty cool guy). It only really works when it's told out loud, but oh well


What's better than roses on a piano?









Tulips on an organ.[/quotee12e50caf2]

shrug shrug shrug shrug shrug shrug[/quotee12e50caf2]

You Dumbass, did you even say it outloud to yourself?

Tulips (Two Lips) on an organ?

Si? No? No Comprende?

[quote69c2741626="ummchacha"]
I wont print the other one he sang...UGH![/quote69c2741626]
( pleasee!!!!!! wink

lame jokes for the win

what did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?

ruff.

OK,

so a guy was going to the tatoo parlor to get the name of his love tatooed on his wang (wendy). Well during the procedure he gets a stiffy and when his wang shrinks back down and only the letters "wy" appear. Well anyways, the next day he is in a public restroom taking a leak in the urinal when a black guy comes up next to him and starts taking a leak as well, well anyways he couldn't help but notice that the black guy had "wy" tatooed on his wang as well so he asks the black guy, "did you love a girl named Wendyl?" and the black guy responded "no mon , mine says 'welcome to jamaica have a nice day'" D

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

the bartender asks him. What's with the steering wheel?

and the pirate responds.

YAR! It's driving me nuts!

no karma needed


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said"Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

How does every racist joke start?

[spoiler694526c86f]by looking over your shoulder[/spoiler694526c86f]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[quote927cfb20ad="JOSHBOX"]How does every racist joke start?

[spoiler927cfb20ad]by looking over your shoulder[/spoiler927cfb20ad][/quote927cfb20ad]

LOLOLOLOL.

i laughed out loud on the last one

A bus with a high school girls volleyball team crashes and everybody dies. All the girls go up to heaven, and they're met by st. peter. He says before you go into heaven, i must ask you all one question. The first girl steps up, and st. peter says, "have you ever had sex with a boy" and the girl says, "no, but i once touched a boy's privates with my finger." st. peter says, "ok, dip your finger in this holy water, and you can go into heaven." He asks the same question to the next girl who replys "no, but I once jerked a guy off" st. peter says, "dunk your hand in the holy water, and you can go into heaven" Suddenly, a girl comes running from the back of the line. St. peter says "my child, you have all the time in the world, go back in line, you will get your turn". And the girl responds "You don't understand, I have to gargle with that stuff, before she sticks her ass in it!"

[quote0c016b9bef="mikeman565"]i laughed out loud on the last one[/quote0c016b9bef]

where's my Karma than??????????????????? ?

an Amish father takes his son into the mall for a treat. The father reminds his son not to tell anyone because they were not allowed in there. They walk around and come upon an elevator. They hear a ding, the wall open and an elderly, fat lady walks in, and the wall closes behind her. The son looks at his father in amazement and says, "dad that must be a magical wall, that woman vanished, it must be the work of the devil." The dad agrees and says, "that is why we dont come to these type of places." Just then they hear another ding and a young, beautiful woman walks out. The dad looks at his son and says, "son go get your mother."